Waves
by Momma Duck
Summary: On impulse she started to walk into the water, the only thing running through her mind was that she needed to pull her friend to safety. A vague voice in the back of her mind knew it was stupid, that if it was too far out for Emily, she definitely wasn't going to make it, but she had to try. Season 5 AU/minor spoilers for PLL book "Vicious"


"So let's call it a night, guys?" said Emily, the first to trudge into their hotel room and collapse on her back on one of the huge beds.

"Sure, Em." Spencer chuckled and swatted at the swimmer's knee as she passed, then looked around at Hanna and Aria. "Who's sharing with who tonight?"

Hanna dramatically draped herself over Aria's shoulder, sighing loudly. "I need a cuddle buddy tonight and Aria's game, so you and Em are sharing. Anyway, Em won't keep you awake like Aria's sleep talk and my thrashing does."

"Sounds like a plan," said Spencer. "Em, you gonna pick a side instead of sprawling across the whole mattress?"

Emily sat up and despondently shuffled around to the right side of the bed, climbing underneath the covers. She looked so exhausted, their ordeal having taken the biggest toll on her, and Spencer couldn't blame her for wanting to relax. They'd had a fun day, at least, and Spencer still couldn't believe her parents had actually funded a beach trip for them. She knew it was only because their chances of rotting in prison for the rest of their lives were astronomical, but still.

Once the three of them were showered and swathed in pajamas (and had taken some antacid tablets because they'd crammed themselves with sweets the entire day), Spencer clicked off the light and clambered into bed beside a deeply-breathing Emily.

Spencer had always had difficulty falling asleep, and tonight it was no different. Thoughts of upcoming court dates, Alison locked up in a jail cell, Emily's eyes that held a certain hollowness throughout the day even as they rode roller coasters on the pier and sunned themselves by the water. She'd definitely seen that look before in the mirror, that emptiness that signaled any remaining hope had vanished. It was a long time coming with herself, she'd always been pessimistic and highly strung and balancing on an endless tightrope to perfectionism, but _Emily_ losing her hope was a ball out of left field. It was especially frightening because Emily Fields was the sweetest, most optimistic girl Spencer had ever come across, and she didn't deserve to suffer like she did. Yet, there they were.

It was nearly midnight when she finally nodded off, and she sunk into an onslaught of terrifyingly real nightmares. Blinding flashes of cameras taking mugshot after mugshot. Her fingers tight around the bars of a tiny prison cell, nails bloodied from clawing at the walls. Everyone she ever knew stopping by to spit at her and blame her for everything that's happened since before Alison went missing. It _was_ her fault, really; she should have sat with Mona at lunch, should have stood up to Ali more, should have gotten her friends new identities and taken them out of Rosewood when they'd had a chance. She should have been better, stronger, smarter, and maybe none of this would have happened.

Spencer snapped awake at some point, a strangled cry in her throat and the final _thud_ of a judge's gavel still echoing in her ears. She sat up and took deep breaths, looking at the clock that let her know it was four in the morning and then over at her friends to make sure she hadn't woken them. Aria was murmuring something, one arm swatting up into the darkness, and Hanna had her arms around Aria's waist still, her face content as she snored into her pillow. But, when she looked beside her, all Spencer saw was a piece of paper folded neatly on Emily's pillow.

Her heart rose to her throat as she picked it up and scanned it, and she nearly fainted as she got to the bottom portion:

 _I'm already gone by the time you read this. Please tell my mom and dad I love them, and I hope you guys can forgive me. I just couldn't handle it like the rest of you. -Emily_

" _Guys?_ "

Aria woke up first and Hanna came around a second later, both blinking sleepily.

"What is it, Spence?" Aria shot up at the girl's panicked expression, voice tinged with fear.

Spencer shook her head numbly as she climbed out of bed, muttering mostly to herself, "Em. _Emily_. She's _gone_. I have–I have to go… I have to save her…"

Ignoring Hanna and Aria's alarmed cries, Spencer shoved the letter at them and bolted out the door. She wasn't paying attention to what or who she knocked over in her scramble to get to the beach. She just _knew_ that that was where Emily would go and that she had to get there before the waves swallowed her up.

Her bare feet kicked up sand as she sprinted toward the ocean, and she almost immediately saw something bobbing way out. A _body. Emily._

On impulse she started to walk into the water, the only thing running through her mind was that she needed to pull her friend to safety. A vague voice in the back of her mind knew it was stupid, that if it was too far out for Emily, she was definitely going to die, but she had to _try_. And if she failed, Emily wouldn't die alone, wouldn't be the only one whose lungs filled with water. That made her a madwoman, she supposed, but she didn't care.

" _Spencer!_ "

She thought she heard Aria's voice as she swam into the unforgiving waves, and it calmed her a little. Spencer knew she was leaving Hanna and Aria to a terrible fate, knew they might never make it with half of the group missing, but she also knew the group would definitely crumble if Emily died. They would tear eachother apart without Emily's light and kindness and _goodness_. She was vital. All of them played a role, all of them were needed.

Before she even registered how far she'd swam, Spencer was bumping into her friend's limp form. She flipped Emily over and wrapped her arms around her chest from behind, then began the taxing process of kicking back to shore. Spencer was a decent swimmer, had been enrolled in classes as a kid, but she wasn't equipped to save anyone. This became clear when she started to get exhausted, the water rising to her chin, and panic struck her like lightning.

 _Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm._

 _Come on, Hastings_.

She kicked, chancing a look behind them to see that they seemed no closer to land than they were at the start. Hanna was the only one left watching on the beach, and Spencer faintly wondered where Aria had gone as she continued to swim. It was difficult, but she kept at a diagonal trajectory, kept her breaths even. But eventually she started to sink.

As her head went under for the first time, she could feel her fragile hold on rationality slipping. The second dunk left all of her mind screaming for her to live, breathe. But she couldn't leave Emily.

When she slipped under the third time, she found she couldn't drag herself back to the surface. Her limbs felt like lead and Emily was tons of weight in her arms. They were actually going to _die_.

Her chest burned the longer she stayed under water, her attempts to struggle back to the surface fruitless. Finally, she just closed her eyes and painfully sucked the water in, wanting her death to happen as quickly as possible. And she stayed like that, clinging to her friend under water, until her mind shut off and spared her any more pain.

OoOoO

Spencer coughed, throat burning as water forced its way out of her nose and mouth. She felt gritty sand beneath her, heard murmurs coming from somewhere distant, and her vision was blurry as she blinked away the excess salt water. A set of hands pushed her onto her side and the water came out not any pleasanter but definitely easier. Finally, she could breathe properly, but all she could do was rest her temple against the pillow of sand beneath her and groan.

"Spencer, you with us?"

Her eyes wandered around, finally spotting Aria and a lifeguard kneeling beside her. She managed a tiny smile.

Aria returned it, and she felt fingers lace with her own. "You're such an idiot," the petite brunette said. "A brave, lucky idiot—but still an idiot."

Yeah, she definitely knew that.

"Thanks, Montgomery," she said, coughing out a little remaining water. The lifeguard assured she was all right then scampered off, and Spencer watched him go to a pair of paramedics standing by an ambulance. She looked back at Aria. "Em?"

"She'll be fine. They got her breathing again and just loaded her into the ambulance. Hanna's riding with her. Oh, and they're sending another one for you."

Spencer rolled on her back, blowing out a breath. "We almost died, Ar."

"You _did_ die, Spencer," responded Aria, voice incredulous. "We technically lost you for a few minutes."

Spencer only blinked, unable to process that she had _died_. All she could feel was how tired she was, how much she wanted to sleep. "So that's why my chest hurts, huh?"

Aria shook her head at her, laughing a little. "Yeah, you big dummy! That lifeguard tried to restart your heart for a good three minutes. You scared the hell out of Hanna and I!"

"Sorry." Spencer winced at Aria's tone. "I wasn't thinking properly. I just knew I had to save Em."

"It looked like it," said her friend. "Spencer, you ran into the ocean like you were possessed."

There was silence as Spencer stared up at the dark sky. It was peaceful—the stars, the gentle lapping of the waves—and if she didn't know that her friend had almost killed herself in said waves, she would have stored the memory for safe keeping.

"Spence," Aria spoke suddenly, squeezing her hand. "I don't know how to say this but… they're sending you both for a psych evaluation. Hanna and I told them the whole story, and I do think _Em_ needs help, but are _you_ okay? They seem to think you walked into the ocean because you had the same intent. Is there truth to that?"

Spencer thought for a long moment. Was she… was she that desperate and just hadn't pinpointed it? She certainly didn't _care_ if she lived or died, but weren't her intentions good? Heroic even? Why were they treating her like she was unstable?

 _Because you are._

She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, trying to ward off the voice in her brain, trying to fit all the pieces together.

Aria's voice was small. "Spence?"

"I didn't… I didn't run into the ocean to die… but, Ar, I didn't mind if I did," admitted Spencer. "But you and Han feel the same way, right? Tell me, if you were to start dying right now, wouldn't you be relieved? We—we're probably going to prison forever, Aria. I _would_ rather die."

"Spencer…" Aria's doe eyes were big and teary, and Spencer instantly regretted her words. "You can't think like that."

"I'm sor–"

The siren of Emily's ambulance started up, cutting her off, and they both watched as it peeled away, kicking up sand as it went. The lifeguard stayed put and started to whistle, waiting for the second ambulance.

"I'm sorry, Aria. Really I am." Spencer sighed. "But it's just how I see things."

* * *

 **A/N: So if you've read the PLL books, I assume you recognize this scene. It was always one of my favorites in the entire series, because blonde Spencer just runs into the freaking ocean to save Emily (** _ **who's also a redhead in the books…**_ **wtf, how could I forget that?!).**

 **Anyway, I just thought of this scene again for some reason and wanted to rewrite it to fit the show. I dunno, but I feel like Shay and Troian's acting would've made me bawl my eyes out if this had happened in Season 5. Like, I'm getting emotional just thinking about it.**

 **Leave a review and let me know what you thought! :D**


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